Dogs, cats, and aliens respond to Trump's debate claim: 'They're eating the pets'
Famous members of the pet communtity speak out
Vice President Kamala Harris debated former President Donald Trump, a convicted felon, on Wednesday in a thoughtful exchange of ideas with a detailed and nuanced policy discussion that spoke to the intelligence and depth of the American character.
For example, Trump said Haitian immigrants in Springfield, Ohio, had slaked their hunger for neighborhood pets.
"They're eating the dogs," Trump declared with his usual adherence to facts and serious research. "They're eating the cats. They're eating the pets of the people who live there."
The statements sent shockwaves through the pet community.
The Paragraph Stacker was first on the scene with reactions from high-profile members of the pet community.
We reached Scooby-Doo, the crime-solving dog with a voracious appetite, for comment.
"This is obvious racism from a dangerous creep who should never hold public office, let alone the highest elected office in the land," Mr. Doo said from his Beverly Hills estate. "This is an obvious dog whistle to white supremacists and neo-Nazis who are Trump's base."
"Trust me," Mr. Doo added, "I know dog whistles."
Editor’s note: Mr. Doo speaks with a pronounced speech challenge and his quote was edit for publication. His quote, as stated, was: “Ris ris robvious racism rom ra rangerous reep ro rould rever hold rublic roffice, ret ralone re highest relected roffice rin re rand. Ris ris ran robvious rog ristle ro rite rupremacists rand reo-nazis ro rare Rump's rase.”
Mr. Doo was hesitant to give his full endorsement to Ms. Harris and her running mate, Minnesota Gov. Tim Waltz.
"She doesn't have a dog," Mr. Doo said. "Can you trust someone who doesn't have a dog? And Waltz? His dim-bulb canine got himself locked in the bedroom of the governor's mansion. Is this the kind of dog you want to be a heartbeat away from the White House lawn?"
Garfield the cat, star of his eponymous long-running newspaper comic strip, reluctantly took our call after his owner, Jon, roused the feline from a nap.
"What a truly horrible thing to say about immigrants," Mr. Garfield said. "Haitian immigrants are fleeing an unstable government beset by gang warlord violence and shortages of gasoline, electricity, medicine, and medical supplies. They come here seeking peace and hope for a better life. Is this not America's promise?"
Mr. Garfield threw his support behind Ms. Harris before a planned lasagna dinner.
"There is only room for one fat, lazy cat in this country, and I've got that job filled," Mr. Garfield said. "I hate Trump more than Mondays."
Despite Mr. Trump's inflammatory statements, a poll of the 101 Dalmations found Ms. Harris with only a slight 52-49 lead.
The famed dog couple the Lady and the Tramp released a statement shortly after the debate: "Mr. Trump's deplorable rhetoric speaks to a man without a moral core or sense of statesmanship. He and his ilk must defeated at the ballot box once and for all. Now, excuse us, we have a spaghetti dinner planned out back to one of our favorite restaurants."
Blue, the star of the PBS series "Blue's Clues," famously does not speak, but she left a clue to her review of Mr. Trump's comments floating in the pool at Mar-a-Lago.
Tom, the feline half of the cat and mouse chase comedy duo, Tom and Jerry, said Mr. Trump's statements were ludicrous.
"Do you know how many times I've almost been eaten by Spike the Dog because Jerry smacked him in the face with a frying pan and made it look like I did it?" Mr. Tom said. "Do you think I'm worried about Haitians from Ohio? Give me a break."
Lion-O, leader of the warrior race the Thundercats, immigrants from the distant planet of Thundera, pushed back at Mr. Trump.
"The othering of a group of people based on their unchangeable characteristics is deplorable and the Thundercats will unite with the might of the Sword of Omens to defeat any such evil-doers, including menaces foreign and domestic," the Thundercat leader said before giving himself a tongue bath.
ALF, an acronym for "alien life form," illegally lived with a family in the San Fernando Valley area of California and was noted for his bizarre appetites, said, "The cats, that might have been me. But I don't know anything about any dogs."
Droopy, the slow-talking Basset Hound star of MGM films, said of Mr. Trump, "You know what? Cheaters never win."
Mr. Droopy issued a challenge to the public.
"Hello, all you happy people," he said. "You know what? You can be the hero of this picture. Vote."
Daniel P. Finney is a member of the Iowa Writers Collaborative. Please visit their page to view a full roster of writers and consider subscribing to their columns. Writing is hard work; people ought to get paid for it. If you enjoy it, throw them a couple of bucks. They earned it.
Woof!
Thanks for the laughs, Daniel! I love the way you think.