FINNEY’S 5: Cupid’s biggest laments

Being a Roman god ain’t all love at first sight and happily ever after.

1. Really regrets choosing to be a naked flying angel — especially when he does most of his work in February.

2. Despite the impressive title of Roman god of attraction, desire, and erotic love, he spends most weekends at home reading old Little Lulu comics.

3. Still owes Loki 10,000 silver denarii, a 12-pack of his favorite mead, and a goat sacrifice after a bad run of cards during Thor’s Thursday poker game in Asgard.

4. Sometimes moonlights as one of those small fountains featuring a little boy urinating, which some Europeans say is “a sign of civic health.”

5. A notoriously poor marksman, criminologists blame Cupid’s errant arrows for 87% of domestic disputes worldwide.

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FINNEY’S 5 is an occasional humor column by exiled newspaperman Daniel P. Finney that is not meant to be taken seriously. If you did, stop it. Sine sale, gravis nimis.