FINNEY’S 5: Field notes from drinking a McDonald’s Shamrock Shake
The seasonal shake used to be a treat. Emphasis on used to be.
Habitat loss and over-harvesting forced McDonald’s to replace its traditional ingredient — leprechaun blood — with cheap mint syrup.
The taste never recovered after bean counters switched from four-leaf to three-leaf clovers to save some green.
New ad campaign featuring an AI deep-fake of Oscar Wilde perfectly captures the tone of pompous people who quote him incessantly.
No. 4 unavailable due to the Finney’s 5 shake sommelier’s sudden, violent vomiting.
Warning: Known side effects of a Shamrock Shake include radioactive poop, anger, agitation, and what scientists describe as “Hulk-outs.”
FINNEY’S 5 is an occasional humor column by exiled newspaperman Daniel P. Finney that is not meant to be taken seriously. If you did, stop it. Sine sale, gravis nimis.