FINNEY’S 5: New events at Drake Relays
The 115th running of the Drake Relays is this week. Here are some big changes.
Starter pistol duel at 20 paces.
Steeplechase water pit now filled with school of red-bellied piranhas.
Some hurdles knock over when a runner misses, some don’t.
Runners in sixth place or lower may use a flying blue turtle shell to knock down race leader.
New field event: demolition derby.
Finney’s 5 is an occasional humor column exclusive to paid subscribers of the Paragraph Stacker. It is not meant to be taken seriously, so if you did, knock it off. Laugh a little. It saves on the Pepto-Bismol costs.
May the 4th Be With You Special: No, I am the substack you want to subscribe to. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Join me, and we shall rule together as reader and paid subscriber. Take 20% off for life.