FINNEY’S 5: New rules for Opening Day
The Major League Baseball season begins in full today.
All teams required to revive bullpen car tradition by using recalled Cybertrucks.
Dugout phones now used as party line to discuss Department of Defense bombing plans.
Bullpen may be commandeered by federal agents to house ICE detainees.
In the event of a tie afternoon 9 innings, team mascots must fight to the death on the infield.
Per regulations instituted by Department of Health and Human Service Secretary RFK Jr., all ball park concessions must contain at least 36% meat from road kill bears.
Finney’s 5 is an occasional humor column exclusive to paid subscribers of the Paragraph Stacker. It is not meant to be taken seriously, so if you did, knock it off. Laugh a little. It saves on the Pepto-Bismol costs.
Those are great, Daniel. Thank you!