FINNEY'S 5: Notes from house artisinal ketchup description
The Finney's 5 has its own artisnal ketchup now — who doesn't? — and here are some notes from the description.
Made with hydropnically grown tomatoes fed only by the water of unicorn tears.
Tomatoes harvested by the headbutts of free-range kittens.
Gently pulpled by the soft, bare feet of winged cherubs.
Flavored with notes of blueberry, Chuck Berry lyrics, passages from Huckleberry Finn, and the armpit sweat of beloved actress and talkshow host Drew Berrymore.
Infused with same proprietary blend of vitimins, minerals, herbal extracts as Total-T to boost your body’s natural testosterone production so she’ll like it, too.
Finney’s 5 is an occasional humor column exclusive to paid subscribers of the Paragraph Stacker. It is not meant to be taken seriously, so if you did, knock it off. Laugh a little. It saves on the Pepto-Bismol costs.
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