FINNEY'S 5: Observation report midway through spring break
Inquest reveals failed experiments, questionable decisions and meteorological trauma.
Listening to “Ultimate Spinach” on repeat for two days straight failed to meet spring break learning targets.
Apparently, getting a 2019 Dodge Caravan up to 88 mph does not trigger time travel to the 1980s — only an expensive speeding ticket.
Dedicating 129.5 hours to adapting Thomas Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow into a screenplay proves conclusively that the book is unfilmable — even with ChatGPT.
Writing five jokes about calling in sick after St. Patrick’s Day loses its edge when you don’t have to work the next day.
Starting spring break with a blizzard and ending it with temperatures in the 80s required a rigid cervical collar for weather whiplash.
FINNEY’S 5 is an occasional humor column by exiled newspaperman Daniel P. Finney that is not meant to be taken seriously. If you did, stop it. Sine sale, gravis nimis.