FINNEY'S 5: Petty things I would do if I were Superman
Use heat vision to burn the steaks of pretentious dudes who make a big deal about people who like their steaks well done.
Focus X-ray vision on lottery scratch off tickets to pick winners.
Pick a fight in a bar and laugh as tough guys break their hands trying to knock me out.
Change my secret identity from “mild-mannered reporter” to “ill-tempered internet troll.”
Kick Batman’s ass.
Finney’s 5 is an occasional humor column exclusive to paid subscribers of the Paragraph Stacker. It is not meant to be taken seriously, so if you did, knock it off. Laugh a little. It saves on the Pepto-Bismol costs.
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If I had the powers, use my xray vision to weld shut the doors of a certain school administrator I can't stand, after he realizes his coffee had been tainted with Miralax, Linzess, and Meta Fiber