FINNEY'S 5: Reactions to Pepsi taking color out of Doritos and Cheetos
PepsiCo, which owns the popular chip, removing synthtic dye as part of a corporate strategy to wreck fun things.
Because the Crystal Pepsi disaster clearly taught corporate dwebs nothing, Pepsi is once again removing color from things people actually liked.
TikTok crashes under the weight of Gen Xers reminiscing about sucking neon Cheetos dust off their fingers after drinking from the hose.
Americans erupt in joy as a $200-billion snack baron “protects” them by removing harmless Red 40 from the junk food most linked to obesity and diabetes.
The announcement conveniently distracts from those pesky files about the dead rich pedophile and the still-living rich pedophiles he entertained.
Meanwhile, Takis quietly plans to add 67% more Red 40 to Fuego chips, which already glow like Darth Vader’s lightsaber.
FINNEY’S 5 is an occasional humor column by exiled newspaperman Daniel P. Finney that is not meant to be taken seriously. If you did, stop it. Sine sale, gravis nimis.