FINNEY’S 5: Shocking revelations about Punxsutawney Phil
The marmot is less accurate than a coin flip.
1. Actress Andie MacDowell filed multiple complaints about Punxsutawney Phil's allegedly lewd on-set behavior during the filming of Groundhog Day.
2. Now that Phil Donahue is dead, Punxsutawney Phil and Dr. Phil are locked in a TikTok battle to set the Guinness Book of World Records mark for the most followers by a celebrity named Phil.
3. After an intense CrossFit phase, Punxsutawney Phil left Punxsutawney for several years to try to make it big in film, but landed only a small, uncredited part as the marmot thrown into The Dude’s bathtub in The Big Lebowski.
4. For decades, local police have investigated reports that Punxsutawney Phil picked a peck of pickled peppers, yet detectives remain stumped — if Punxsutawney Phil picked a peck of pickled peppers, where are the peck of pickled peppers Punxsutawney Phil picked?
5. While drunk at a local dive bar, Punxsutawney Phil allegedly admitted he’s been taking bribes under the table from KDKA-TV to fix the results of his Groundhog Day predictions in favor of longer winters, sparking fear in the hearts of weak-minded viewers.
FINNEY’S 5 is an occasional humor column by exiled newspaperman Daniel P. Finney that is not meant to be taken seriously. If you did, stop it. Sine sale, gravis nimis.