FINNEY'S 5: Surprising things Disney HR told employees during layoffs
“I’m sorry, Pluto, we have to let you go. We have a dog that talks and is a master of physical comedy. You’re just a … dog. These animal control officers are hear to drive you out to ‘the farm.’”
“Ant-Man, Wasp, it turns out only one arthropod-themed superhero really works: Spider-Man. Pack up you hives. The exterminator arrives a 5 p.m.”
“BB-8, it’s a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is you’re fired. The good news is we’ve found you placement at a soccer ball for a nearby MLS team.”
“Captain Marvel, Ms. Marvel? I’m sorry, but ‘The Marvels’ was just awful. Security will see you out.”
“Mickey Mouse, we’re just as surprised as you by this. But we reviewed you’re entire output over 97 years and couldn’t find a single moment of you being funny.”
Finney’s 5 is an occasional humor column by exiled newspaper columnist Daniel P. Finney. It is not meant to be taken seriously, so if you did, knock it off. Laugh a little. It saves on Pepto-Bismol costs.
FINNEY’S NIFTY 50 SPECIAL: The Paragraph Stacker’s chief typist, Daniel P. Finney, turns 50 in June. Celebrate by becoming a paid subscriber at a 50% discount for your first year.