FINNEY’S 5: Terrible ideas for Super Bowl Sunday snacks

Somewhere, a crockpot is being used for evil.

1. 2-minute drill wings — There’s no way anyone’s plumbing is strong enough to handle the gastric emergencies brought on by Frank’s Red Hot Quark-Gluon Hot Sauce.

2. A Seahawks-themed dish made with actual seahawks — because not only does it taste terrible, you face up to a year in prison and a $100,000 fine.

3. Any recipe from Robert Kraft’s Florida Spa Cookbook — because you can’t afford his lawyers.

4. General rule: No foods should match the radioactive action green Nike slaps on the Seahawks’ uniforms and shoes.

5. Don’t be the guy who gets custom-colored M&Ms to match his favorite team — they’re just chocolate, Dave. They all taste the same.

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FINNEY’S 5 is an occasional humor column by exiled newspaperman Daniel P. Finney that is not meant to be taken seriously. If you did, stop it. Sine sale, gravis nimis.