FINNEY’S 5: ‘The Breakfast Club’ 40-year class reunion

The 1985 John Hugh’s teen angst flick took place 40 years ago this week. Here’s how we think the reunion would have went.

The cast of “The Breakfast Club” as imagined by the sharp minds at Finney’s 5 Institute for Contempation of Silly Things. (AI cartoon created with DALL•E from prompts written by the author.)

1. Clair (Molly Ringwald) is a thrice divorced suburbanite with three teenage children whom she uses to get back at her ex-husbands. She takes GLP-1 injections once a week to control her diabetes and quell her cravings for Ben and Jerry’s Peanut Butter World.

2. Bender (Judd Nelson), dropped out of high school when he turned 18 and now runs a tattoo parlor in downtown Chicago,had an affair with Claire after their 10-year class reunion in 1985, which led to Claire’s first divorce.

3. Brian (Anthony Michael Hall) invented an app called “Elephant’s Trunk” and became a tech billionaire and buddy of Elon Musk, but like Musk’s Cyberturck and Brian’s high school lamp projet, none of Brian’s apps actually work and he teeters on bankruptcy without government corporate wellfare.

4. Andrew (Emilo Estevez), as predicted, blew out his knee in his sophomore year wrestling at Southern Illinois University. He lost his scholarship, but earned a degree in secondary physical education. He is in a loveless marraige with a former SIU cheerleader and is addicted to sports gambling.

5. Allison (Ally Sheedy) went to art school after graduation, but soon discovered she was the least weird person there. Shocked, she joined a convent and became a nun who serves as the head of a behavior at a suburban Omaha Catholic high schoool. She monitors Saturday school.

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Finney’s 5 is an occassional humor column exclusive to paid subscribers of the Paragraph Stacker. It is not meant to be taken seriously, so if you did, knock it off. Laugh a little. It saves on the Pepto-Bismol costs.

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