MORNING MEETING, 8 A.M.: Teacher tells self amid brain screaming to activate flight response, “This is fine. Everything is fine.”
PERIOD 1, 8:25 A.M.: Teacher distributes New pencils to class for writing activity fresh from donated box. Students point out pencils are unsharpened.
LUNCH BREAK, 10:39-11:09 A.M.: What rational person eats lunch at 10:39 a.m.? I haven’t finished digesting my egg and cheese bagel yet.
AFTER PERIOD 6, 2:21 P.M.: (Discovers broken pencils in back of the room.) Teacher notes some students are triggered by unsharpened pencils.
END OF CONTRACT TIME, 3:45 P.M.: Teacher takes heave dose of acetaminophen for sore feet, legs, and back and silently curses all the poor decisions made in youth.
Finney’s 5 is an occasional humor column exclusive to paid subscribers of the Paragraph Stacker. It is not meant to be taken seriously, so if you did, knock it off. Laugh a little. It saves on the Pepto-Bismol costs.
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DANIEL P. FINNEY is a member of the IOWA WRITERS COLLABORATIVE, but don’t hold that against them. Please visit their page to view a full roster of writers and consider subscribing to their columns. Writing is hard work; people ought to get paid for it. If you enjoy it, throw them a couple of bucks. They earned it.