FINNEY’S 5: Unexpected features of my dad’s fancy new pacemaker

Keeps his heart on pace — also a WiFi hotspot.

1. Subliminal signals slowly convert him into a Boston Red Sox fan — triggering random outbursts of “YANKEES SUCK!”

2. Device includes 12 CDs for a penny from Columbia House — and 500 free hours of AOL.

3. He taps his chest to change the channels on his TV — and it automatically finds reruns of “Last Man Standing.”

4. During nightly telemetry uploads to the doctor’s office, the device serenades him with the haunting tones of Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute.

5. When the battery is low, the device stimulates an insatiable hunger — for Duracell batteries.

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FINNEY’S 5 is an occasional humor column by exiled newspaperman Daniel P. Finney that is not meant to be taken seriously. If you did, stop it. Sine sale, gravis nimis.