Between the hours of midnight and 5 a.m., stay the hell inside.
Always pay your drug dealer in full and on time.
If you’re engaged in a criminal enterprise, don’t skim money or product off the top.
No matter how good the opportunity might seem, never have relations with another person’s person.
Despite the symptoms not appearing until late-stage romance, avoid relationships with — or marrying — someone who is crazy.
FINNEY’S 5 is an occasional humor column by exiled newspaperman Daniel P. Finney that is not meant to be taken seriously. If you did, stop it. Sine sale, gravis nimis.