FINNEY’S 5: What to get the planet for Earth Day?
Earth Day is Tuesday and everyone is asking what do you get the planet that has everything?
A restraining order against Katy Perry and other obscenely rich “space tourists.”
A giant folding fan for those increasingly uncomfortable hot flashes.
Noise-cancelling headphones to block out the from climate change deniers.
A day without Uranus jokes.
Same thing you get her every year: a bottle of Dr Pepper in a single-use container and a card from Walgreens full of empty promises.
Finney’s 5 is an occasional humor column exclusive to paid subscribers of the Paragraph Stacker. It is not meant to be taken seriously, so if you did, knock it off. Laugh a little. It saves on the Pepto-Bismol costs.
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