Port strike reveals America’s greatest fear: A toilet paper shortage
What will our enemies do with this information? We think the conversation would go something like this.
Many of you may have heard about the port worker's strike last week.
The strike shut down ports while the International Longshoreman's Association, representing port workers, negotiated a new contract with the United States Maritime Alliance.
The strike alarmed many economists because scores of important consumer goods are processed through ports on the East and Gulf coasts.
Fortunately, the strike lasted only three days and the nation avoided a prolonged supply chain interruption.
This brevity did not stop some Americans from panic-buying truckloads of toilet paper.
While the toilet paper shortage seems silly on the face of it, we wonder how America's archnemesis, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin would react to the news of the toilet paper hysteria.
We think it would have gone something like this. Here's a conversation between Putin and one of his top advisors, Prokhor Tarasov.
Tarasov: President Putin! President Putin! We have at last found America's greatest weakness.
Putin: How dare you burst in here like this. I am busy trying to poison poets and writers. I do not have time for your trivia. I will have your sister sent to Siberia for this.
Tarasov: But sir, you set my sister to Siberia last week.
Putin: Then I will send your mother.
Tarasov: You sent my mother to Siberia the week before that.
Putin: Bah! Fine. What is it you want?
Tarasov: The port workers in America have gone on strike! America is vulnerable. We can defeat them at last.
Putin: Of course! The resulting supply chain interruption will deprive the American weaklings of their consumer electronics, fresh seafood, bananas, and imported alcohol.
Tarasov: Well, sir, not exactly. The strike ended after three days. It didn't last long enough to cause a supply chain interruption.
Putin: Then why do you bother me with this pointless news? I have sent men, women, and babies to the Gulag for less than this.
Tarasov: It's not the port strike, sir, it's the toilet paper.
Putin: What does any of this have to do with toilet paper?
Tarasov: Nothing. Over 85% of toilet paper sold in the United States is manufactured domestically. Most of the rest comes from Canada and Mexico, nations connected to the U.S. by land. No ports are needed.
Putin: I know geography, fool. Unlike Americans, Russian children must learn geography so they know where the countries we plan to invade are.
Tarasov: You missunderstand me, sir. Americans panicked at the thought of being without toilet paper. We have been going about the overthrowing of America all wrong.
Putin: Choose your next words carefully or you will wonder what the special sauce is in your Big Macs for the rest of your days.
Tarasov: You poised me on Tuesday, sir.
Putin: Fine. Continue.
Tarasov: The Americans panic-buy toilet paper regardless of the crisis. They did the same thing during the pandemic. They emptied their shelves of toilet paper despite COVID-19 being a virus that attacked the respiratory system.
Putin: So what?
Tarasov: Don't you see, sir? Americans do not fear crime, undocumented immigrants, transgender people, terrorists, school shootings, or even having your puppet narcissistic would-be despot elected their president. America's greatest fear is a toilet paper shortage!
Putin: That is interesting. Tell me more.
Tarasov: We should change our whole strategy against America. Instead of cyberattacks on communications, airlines, and election interference, we should target the toilet paper factories. The shelves at the grocery stores will empty within minutes.
Putin: So what? The shelves of Russian grocery stores are always empty.
Tarasov: Without an ample supply of soft toilet paper, our spies predict a complete social breakdown within three days. A war between the states would be almost a certainty within a month.
Putin: Ha! What weaklings the capitalist dogs are! Russia was a much stronger nation when we used cut newspaper for toilet paper.
Tarasov: Sir, that cut newspaper was very rough and was lead-based.
Putin: What is a little lead poisoning when it comes to strengthening the tushies of Mother Russia?
Tarasov: You are right, as always, Mr. President.
Putin: You have brought me something useful. Send Boris and Natasha to wreak havoc on the toilet paper mills.
Tarasov: Sir, Agents Badanov and Fatale are always foiled by a talking moose and squirrel.
Putin: Gah! My greatest weakness is I surround myself with idiots. Begone, Tarasov. No, wait!
Tarasov: Yes, sir?
Putin: Bring me a roll from my private bootleg stash of American toilet paper. I wish to use the bathroom before I ride my horse shirtless for the glory of the Russian people.
Tarasov: Sir, you used the last roll on Wednesday. All we have is domestic toilet paper.
Putin: Pack your bags, Tarasov.
Tarasov: Siberia, sir?
Putin: No, Arkansas. Go to Sam's Club and buy all the Charmin they have.
Daniel P. Finney is a member of the Iowa Writers Collaborative, but don’t hold that against them. Please visit their page to view a full roster of writers and consider subscribing to their columns. Writing is hard work; people ought to get paid for it. If you enjoy it, throw them a couple of bucks. They earned it.
I remember when Johnny Carson made a joke about toilet paper, the next day the grocery stores were sold out of toilet paper
Hahaha! Thank you for the laugh and the memory. I loved Rocky the Flying Squirrel as much as I loved Mad magazine.