Benching Biden: A fantasy starring Democrats with brains and spines

The only reason to stick with Biden is to continue Democrats' longstanding tradition of being losers.

Dear World Leaders,

Everything is fine here.

Nothing to see.

Move along.

That presidential debate between an enfeebled octogenarian and a septuagenarian convicted felon was, um, some kind of deep fake AI thing put on by the Russians.

Yeah, that’s the ticket.

There is no way that Joe Biden, in his present state, and Donald Trump, in any state, represent the best America has to offer its highest office.

That was just a trick to throw China off.

Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

Democrats will soon reveal their real candidate for our highest office, and they will blow your minds.

OK, we admit that Joe Biden is, in fact, the current president of the United States and currently running for reelection.

And, yes, he does look like someone should help him into the high-backed armchair, get him a warm, fuzzy blanket and a Werther’s Original to suck on while he naps before “Wheel of Fortune.”

It is also true that Donald Trump, a convicted felon, is our former president, a man who is a malignant narcissist, compulsive liar, open racist, and serial abuser of orange spray tans and hairpieces with extra flapping action.

Fear not.

We are the United States of America.

Our people will get it right.

A merciful God would not allow a nation that has enough nuclear weapons to end human life on the planet to be governed by either an infirm man who doesn’t inspire confidence or a man who ignores history and believes his own lies.

I mean, of course, God wouldn’t allow it … again.

For crying out loud, we gave the world Levi’s and Pepsi. They did as much to end the Cold War as Perestroika.

Hold on. My editor is handing me something.

It says Dr. Pepper has overtaken Pepsi as the No. 2 soft drink in America.

Well, damn. I guess you can’t count on anything.

Here’s what’s going to happen.

Democratic National Committee Chairman Jaime Harrison and a few his top lieutenants are going to book an appointment at the White House with Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris.

Harrison will sit Joe down in the big, comfy chair and lay out the plan.

“Joe, you’ve served your country with honor and distinction,” Harrison will say. “You were a great senator, a fine vice president, and you defeated the threat to democracy that was and remains Donald J. Trump.”

Harrison will tug at the collar of his shirt, sweat likely pouring down the back of his head.

“Here’s the thing, Joe, you’re not up for this fight,” Harrison will say. “You’re punch drunk. You’ve given your all, bud, but we’ve got to take you out of the ballgame. We’ve got to go the bullpen.”

Biden will say nothing. His mouth will hang open the way it does, and his eyes will glaze over the way they do.

Biden will softly mumble something involving COVID, immigrant crime, and that time “we finally beat Medicare.”

Then he’ll nod off.

Harrison will turn to Harris.

“Madam Vice President, you’re out, too,” he will say. “We must cut our losses here and get someone in here who and can speak in complete sentences that is at least modestly tolerable to the public and, well, Americans don’t like you.”

Harris might protest, but the Democratic party boss will show her the numbers.

An April Monmouth University poll showed Harris 55% of respondents disapproved of the job she’s doing as vice president.

And since she is essentially doing nothing as vice president, that’s too low for the Democrats to put their money behind at this stage.

It’s neither fair nor just, but politics are no place for such high-minded concepts.

Who will the Democrats turn to?

Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer is popular and from an important swing state Democrats desperately need to win.

Biden’s transportation secretary, Pete Buttigieg, might be worth a shot, but he’s not very popular with Black voters, whom also Democrats desperately need.

Sen. Raphael Warnock of might get a look. He keeps winning in Georgia, a Southern state which, you guessed it, Democrats desperately need.

If all else fails, Democrats can beg popular former First Lady Michelle Obama to run.

She’s repeatedly said she doesn’t want the job, but that shouldn’t disqualify her.

The people who do want the job are awful.

This is all fantasy, of course.

The only thing Democrats are good at is losing elections. They most will likely double down on Biden despite his feeble performance.

They’ll call any criticisms of his obvious cognitive issues “agism.”

And that means the rest of the world should brace itself for a second Trump presidency and possibly the fall of the American democracy.

So, world leaders, hold on to your butts. Things are about to get bumpier than a ride on a Boeing 737 Max.

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Daniel P. Finney, a member of the Iowa Writers Collaborative, wrote for newspapers for 27 years before being laid off in 2020. He teaches middle school English now. Please consider a paid subscription.

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